Keep Our Cake Pure

When I was growing up in Alberta, things were simpler. My television picture was in low definition, my Internet came through a telephone wire that made it possible to download a 4 MB song in fifteen minutes, and GST was an easy to calculate 7/100 of a dollar. What could be better than that?

However, things are changing now, and not necessarily for the better. Sure, I suppose high speed Internet access and televisions that don't require an entire room for themselves might be considered an improvement by some. But, what about that most grotesque of modern perversions the liberal media has tricked our young people into embracing recently? That's right, I'm talking about ice cream cake.

When I was a child I used to look forward to birthdays and other special occasions because it meant the possibility of eating cake and ice cream. My ancestors had consumed cake and ice cream and so it was good and pure, it was part of our culture. Unfortunately, I was young and naive then and I did not know what horrors lie waiting to scare me in the near future.

In the mid-'90s Dairy Queen invented the ice cream cake. While some members of the liberal media elite might tell you that Dairy Queen actually invented the ice cream cake in 1985, I suspect they only sold these ice cream cakes in certain neighbourhoods and bath houses in San Francisco. These were of no concern to good Christian boys though, since their parents rightfully warned them not to go near these places for fear of catching The Plague. I can only assume this involved having a large slice of ice cream cake shoved down one's throat until he gagged. The Plague also apparently involved a sore anus, since it was God's intention for birthday treats to be the union of both cake and ice cream - further proof that ice cream cake is an abomination against God.

Right now you might be asking yourself what I have against ice cream cake. If the above trustworthy recollection of my childhood wasn't enough for you, then I'll have to pull out the big guns. That means informing you that it just ain't Albertan, and that means it just ain't right. Alberta is the number one province, we have freedom from PST (and quality public transportation)... but I digress.

When I was a young boy I remember that things were better. The cake stayed on a silver tray on the counter, and the ice cream had its own special plastic bucket so it could stay in the freezer. Sure, they were separate, but I swear they were equal.

Now I'm not a foodist, I'm not saying that cake can't love ice cream, or the other way around. It's a free country. But this is reverse foodism. True ice cream cake, the way God intended, would have a thin sliver of ice cream hidden between two pieces of cake. However, these affirmative action chefs are creating abominations against The Intelligent Baker by giving spots traditionally held by cake to unqualified ice cream. We let the ice cream be eaten with metal utensils just like the cake. If the ice cream still melts in the sun, then perhaps it needs to work harder.

If you aren't afraid yet, you should be. After all this reeks of something that was written in the '30s in Germany. Think of the bakers who won't be able to sell their cake anymore. How will they be able to feed their families? If any of them are Catholic or Evangelical, they might have as many as seven kids to feed (it's their right, don't you question it).

I for one am very afraid. That's why I'll be heading to my nearest Dairy Queen to protest. I'll be showing up with the knife I use to cut cake in hand - The 18" SWAT Big Game/Hunting Knife (pictured below) - to show everyone I'm a true Albertan. I urge everyone who cares about their children to show up and read their local Dairy Queen manager the riot act too (respectfully of course). It's the Albertan Way.

(I use this knife to cut cake. It's my right!)