Episode 63: In Which DFM Stares In To The Eyes Of A Giraffe And Uncovers The Secret Of The Sloth

The zoo at Seoul Grand Park is 196 000 square meters, and I saved it until the end of my journey because it is one of the experiences in Seoul I had been most highly anticipating.

Everything about the zoo at Seoul Grand Park is huge.  Before you even enter the zoo you are greeted by an enormous statue of a tiger.  Compare the size of the tiger to the gardener working in front to see what I mean.

Once inside the zoo I found a map that showed four separate paths around the zoo which would take you to all the exhibits.  I walked the length of the zoo four times to see all the animals, and it took me over 6 hours.

My favourite animals at the zoo were the giraffes.  I have not seen a giraffe before, and I was not prepared for just how tall they really are.

To get this eye-to-eye shot I was standing on what I estimate estimate was a fifteen foot platform.  Staring straight at this giraffe made me feel all tingly with excitement.

The animals were tingling with excitement too.  It must be mating season, because all the males were puffing out their chests and trying to show off for the ladies.  Unfortunately for the males, I think someone forgot to tell the females what time of year it was.  These two peacocks just could not get any peahen to notice them and I saw a male wolf get bitten for his efforts to try and seduce a female.

I know what you're all thinking.  You're thinking, "wow, that looks just like the skull of a Pygmy Hippopotamus."  I have such smart readers.

How many times in your life do you get to see a Giant Galapagos Turtle?  The Galapagos Turtle is the largest living species of tortoise in the world.

I used to wonder how two-toed sloths could hang upside down all day long.  The secret is out.  It's not quite as impressive anymore though, if I say so myself.

At one point I saw a sign that read "Ant Park," but the park was closed.  Later I found this feller and I figured out why.

Canada's contribution.

Creepy-crawly things are always interesting.

How many human babies do you think this bear has eaten today?

If you got bored of looking at all the beautiful animals, you can always look at the beautiful trees in any number of fabulous rest locations around the zoo.  This pond was once part of a set for a major Korean movie a sign informed me.

I, however, did not do any sitting until the end of my day when I went to see the dolphin/seal show.  I was skeptical, but I purchased my $3.00 ticket anyways.  Instead of being disappointed though, I was blown away.  The seals could dance "the twist" and do comedy routines, and the dolphins were as smart as you'd expect them to be and could hit red balls dangling fifteen to twenty feet over the water (you can see them in the picture).  Just before I took this picture the dolphins dropped under the water and disappeared, but the woman in the water was actually surfing on the head of one of them at one point during the show.  Anyone in/near Seoul needs to check out the zoo at Seoul Grand Park even if it's only to see this show.

M and DFM's Excellent Adventure

For the past number of years I have been hanging out with my friend M so often that when we come into places people always yell, "hey, it's M and DFM!" Unfortunately, some people mishear this greeting as "hey, it's MandDFM!" This can cause problems when people think M's name is MandDFM. For example, there was one particular occasion when M walked into a room first and I followed a few seconds afterwards. The greeting we received from the well meaning host was, "hey, it's MandDFM... and DFM!"

Well M and DFM were at it again this weekend. Determined to "seize the day," we embarked on a wild safari of Biblical proportions. The temperatures were approaching "minus 5 billion degrees," but we had been working on our personal discipline and easily toughed it out. Even though we were both eaten dozens of times each by the ferocious beasts, M and I still managed to miraculously survive with the evidence of our daring escapade intact. For your amazement, I have included some of the more spectacular moments from the trip. [Caution: Do not read this before you go to bed. You will get nightmares.]



Our journey actually started the day before, 2 274 miles away in the Gobi Desert. Since we had the time, M and I decided to split this hike into two days. Upon arriving at the West Pole, we were immediately eaten by the giant Guinea Pig King who had a number of kangaroos for servants.



After this rather inhospitable welcome the Guinea Pig King placed us in cages while the other inhabitants of the West Pole tried to feed us pop corn and bread crumbs, before eating us.



Our first visitor was the dreaded man-eating Snowy Owl. He turned his head all the way around twice before eating us in 2 bites.



Next came the fearsome man-eating White Wolf. This guy here not only ate M and I, but he ate our unborn children too. You can see the blood lust in its eyes.



This Takin was featured in Maurice Sendak's Where The Wild Things Are. He actually did not eat us though, because he was too busy using the hay to clean out the bones and raw meat from his last meal of four school children. Interestingly, this Takin has been said to be the inspiration for the Golden Fleece.



Similar to a snake, the man-eating Bactrian Camel cannot chew its human meal. Rather, it unhinges its lower jaw and swallows its prey whole. Interestingly enough, very few people know that this is how camels eat. Here, the humps you see are actually the outline of two unfortunate young women. They are slowly being digested alive by the digestive acids in the camel's stomach.

After M and I were turned into camel feces, we were flushed into an underground water world. But before we had a chance to drown, we were eaten twice each by the Ravenous Red Toad.



The Red Toad carried us to the other side of the world and spat us out on the gorgeous plains of the East Pole.



The first inhabitant we met was the menacing man-eating Buffalo. Wizened by our experiences at the West Pole, M and I pulled out a red cape and were able to have the Buffalo narrowly miss gorging us with its poisonous horns.



We again ran across some man-eating Wolves, but they had gone cannibal from not feeding on human flesh for too long. M and I took advantage of the distracted killing machines and moved on quietly.

Surrounded by so much danger, M and I decided it was time to learn how to defend ourselves. We observed the locals in their natural environment and were able to eventually agree upon the ultimate fighting weapon:



With our newly perfected martial skills, we easily chopped our way through the remaining threats until we found our ticket out of there.



We chased this murderous Mountain Goat up the rocky embankment and eventually trapped it at the top of the cliff. Defeated, the mountain goat was bound by ancient law to transfer us to any place we wished. We grabbed hold of its horns and were teleported back home. It was a good thing too, because we hadn't eaten in a while.