Some say that he has two left hands, and his nose can tell when it will rain. All we know is that he's called DFM.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Dogs vs. Babies

I spent a half-hour playing with my roommate's Black Lab/Border Collie cross today. That dog is quite possibly the most beautiful dog and playful dog ever. Her two favourite games are catch and wrestling, and she could do both for hours. As I was wrestling and playing catch with her I started comparing her to a human baby. After carefully deliberating for at least a minute, I came up with the conclusion that dogs are better than babies. Here's why:

  1. My friend tells me that dogs are fully mobile within 9 days. Even in human terms that's still only 63 days. At 63 days a baby is barely crawling around. Point: dog.
  2. The aforementioned Lab/Collie is rather good at wrestling. Human babies on the other hand are awful at wrestling. They just lay there and get pinned without putting up a fight. When I try to body slam the dog, she flips out of my hands and comes back and tries to nip me (a worthy opponent). When I body slam a baby it just flops on the floor and cries a lot. Point: dog.
  3. When I play catch with the dog, she chases the ball and brings it back. If I throw the ball at her head she catches it. The baby, on the other hand, doesn't even move. If I throw a ball at its head it will just get hit in the face and start crying some more. Point: dog.
  4. When I go out for training runs with the dog, she pulls me along and makes me work extra hard so I get in extra good shape. When I take a baby out on a leash, it just drags along on the ground and makes nasty scraping sounds on the pavement. However, I still have to work extra hard. Tie, no point awarded.
  5. Within months the dog was trained to poop outside. Babies, on the other hand, do not seem to get this message no matter how long I leave them out in the snow. I could leave the baby out in the snow all night and it would still poop its pants the next day. Point: dog.
Well, there you have it. This highly hyped contest turned out to be a bit of a landslide for the dog. In soccer, a 4-0 score like this would probably have gotten the coach fired. I hope you babies are proud of yourselves, you've failed again. That makes me wonder though, who would win in a match between babies and the Washington Generals?

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