How Not To Wear A Scarf

Scarves have one legitimate purpose: to keep your face warm. That's it. However, within the past year or so I have noticed an alarming increase in the number of scarves worn for a different reason: people trying to look foolish.

Take a good look at the following pictures if you don't know what I mean:

A) The No-Knot Knot



This is a safety concern for a good number of reasons. For starters, the ends of the scarf could be caught up in the wheels of an oncoming bicycle. If the bike in question looks like it should have died 40 years ago, but has been restored for purposes of making its rider look like a wanker, then this would be alright. However, there is the distinct possibility that the scarf may get caught up in the wheels of an important bike, like a ten-speed (these are often used for legitimate transportation purposes). This would be a tragedy since the scarf would not be in a position to choke the wearer.

B) The Tumor Knot


(This knot is not discriminatory. It looks equally ugly on both men and women.)

I call this one the Tumor Knot because it looks like the wearer has a giant cancerous growth coming out of his/her neck. Enough said.

C) The Hacker Knot



Believe it or not, that name is not a joke. Apparently this really is called a hacker knot. I prefer to call it the Fat Neck Knot, because that's what it makes you appear to possess. This is a great knot for attaching your baggage claim ticket to your luggage when you are traveling on the bus or a plane. But I fear the most you'll receive for using it to attach your scarf to your neck is a punch in the face.

Perhaps some of you are now confused. You've only ever seen people wear scarves in a manner similar to those pictured above. You may now be thinking, "but DFM, how then should I wear my scarf?" Good question. I'm glad you asked. Here is how to wear your scarf:



Yes, that is Randy Parker from A Christmas Story. This is the only known time in the history of modern cinema when a scarf was worn appropriately. After carefully scrutinizing the picture you may think, "but if I wear a scarf like this, I'll get too hot when it's not cold enough for a scarf but I still want everyone to know how hip I am." I guess you've got me there.