Some say that he has two left hands, and his nose can tell when it will rain. All we know is that he's called DFM.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Does Your Beer Taste Like Crap? That's Because It's Beer

"Everyone is special." This is a saying that bleeding hearts are fond of repeating to anyone who will listen. The truth is, it's not true. Some people are very normal and are not special at all, and this is alright. What's not alright is when people who are not special go around telling others that they are.

Molson Canadian (a popular Canadian beer company) made an advertisement some time ago that featured an angry Canadian named "Joe," standing on a stage in front of a movie screen, ranting about all the things that made him not-American. This seemingly innocuous attempt to sell beer was the start of a string of asinine ads that have since ruined Canadian television. Most notable to me was one particular ad which attempted to sum up what Canada was all aboot (I mean about) with a series of statements about Canada. One of the characteristics listed was that Canada is “a nation of beer drinkers.”

When I first heard this statement I was rather shocked. I was not shocked because we drink beer, but that drinking alcohol could be considered a characteristic of a country. To be a defining characteristic, capable of enabling others to find Canadians in a crowd of people at an airport or some other crowded place, you’d think that drinking a lot of alcohol would have to be something special and unique to people from Canada. But what about Germany? They have Oktoberfest. And Ireland? Are not the Irish known as heavy drinkers? When I visited Scotland this summer I was encouraged by the government to visit the famous whiskey distilleries, and a customs agent at the Amsterdam airport was shocked when I told him I had not drank any Scottish whiskey while I was there. The Aussies are always bragging about how much beer they can drink with one hand whilst fighting with the other, and don’t forget the Russians and their vodka. It seems that many countries claim to be heavy drinkers. Since it’s so common how can it be special?

More importantly, beer tastes like crap… literally. I’ve tasted crap before, and it doesn’t taste good. In fact, it tastes a lot like beer, but I’ve not heard anyone bragging lately about how much crap they eat. Nor have I seen anyone take a petrified piece of feces, swirl it around under his nose, nibble off a piece at the end and exclaim how great a year 1972 was for crap. So, why is everyone so excited to consume the foul tasting liver destroyer when it’s in liquid form? Since I can’t answer that question I’ll ignore the fact that alcohol in general makes me want to vomit at first smell, let alone taste. Instead, I will look more deeply into this claim of Canada as a great nation of beer drinkers.

In 2007 Forbes magazine ran an online article on the world’s heaviest alcohol consuming nations according to an independent study. Number one on the list was not Ireland, not Germany, not Canada. The hardest drinking nation on earth (defined by Litres of alcohol consumed per capita) was Luxembourg, which probably explains why you always hear about the nation of Luxembourg running its mouth and getting into fights at weddings. Second place went to those “cheese eating surrender monkeys,” the French. In fact neither Canada or America made the top-15. The only non-European nation to make the top-15 was Australia in 15th. Now I can hear what you’re thinking. You’re all thinking, “but the French drink wine, we drink beer.” Shall we look at the stats for beer then?

Before I list the results, make sure you place your final bets for the top beer drinking nation in the World. Will it be Ireland? Germany? Australia? America? Canada? The answer is… the Czech Republic. The people of the Czech Republic drink an average of 156.9 litres of beer a year! That is 25 Litres per person more than Ireland, 192% more beer than an American and 230% more beer per person than Canada. Interestingly enough, I recently watched a movie about rock climbing in the Czech Republic. One of the locals, when questioned about how much beer the Czech people consume, said “not a lot-a lot… 8 to 10 beers a day is normal.” There you have it, unlike pathetic Canadians, the people of the beer drinkingest nation on earth down play their alcohol consumption, because they know that drinking crap is nothing to be proud of.

(I Am Canadian! I just drink German beer to be ironic.)

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