Some say that he has two left hands, and his nose can tell when it will rain. All we know is that he's called DFM.

Saturday, February 7, 2009

White Athlete History Day

Although Hank Hill would disapprove heartily, I think defining oneself as a sports fan/football fan/Yankees fan, etc. is asinine (in much the way as defining a country as a "nation of beer drinkers" is asinine). Spending an entire Sunday watching football is a great way to ruin your marriage, and that's not cool.

I do, however, enjoy playing sports, and from time to time I also enjoy watching great athletes play sports in a dazzling fashion. Unfortunately, for too long young white boys have not had a lot of sports heroes to inspire them. Perhaps it's because white men are too busy running the world to practice their ball-handling skills, but for whatever the reasons everyone knows that the white guys are mostly there for show (except in Boston where they're also there to keep the fans appeased so that they won't lynch the black players). So to address this disparity, DFM has decided to declare February 7th "White Athlete History Day," in honour of great White sports stars past and present.

Before I start I should explain that I will be capitalizing the word "White" to denote White players from white players. White players (capitalized) refers to small, slow, and/or underappreciated players regardless of colour, although typically white. White players (non-capitalized) would merely mean players whose skin is white, but who are not necessarily White. Now that we have that straightened out I will begin.

The following list is in no particular order, but categorized by sport.

  1. Matt Le Tissier. You've probably never heard of Matt Le Tissier, and that's not surprising. Matt Le Tissier is quite possibly the Whitest superstar in history. He plays football (with his feet, go figure) in England. Unlike Ronaldo, Ronaldinho, Ronald McDonald, or whatever other variations the Brazilians can come up with, Matt Le Tissier does not waste every one's time by doing a polka on the ball before not scoring. Rather, Le Tissier is as slow as you'd expect him to be so he doesn't like to take many steps. He generally spends the majority of his time kicking the ball into the net from half a field away. To check out a short video on Matt Le Tissier click here.
  2. Johan Cruijff (Cryuff). This dutch footballer is quite possibly the Whitest dribbler in the history of the game. Again, unlike Ronaldinho and co., Cryuff's dribbling compilation videos feature him traveling at full speed towards the net in an attempt to get a goal. Watch the following montage and be amazed.
  3. Doug Flutie. This guy is so White that no one has yet to make a YouTube montage for him. However, he is one of the most valuable players in the history of football (played with the hands). After the excitement surrounding his great Flutie Bomb at Boston College, Flutie was quickly snubbed by the NFL for being too short. Even though he won the Heisman Trophy for the NCAA's top player, Flutie was only selected 285th (the lowest selection ever for a Heisman Trophy winner). Like all White people, Flutie then threatened to move to Canada. However, unlike many White people, he actually did. After winning the CFL's Player of the Year Award 6 times (in 7 seasons), Flutie returned to America to make the NFL his bitch. He won the Comeback Player of the Year Award and then the next season was selected to the Pro Bowl (All-Star Game). But despite this, his coaches decided to cut him for the tall, white (but not White), incompetent Rob Johnson. However, all these awards are not what make Doug Flutie a great White superstar. What makes Flutie so White-tacular is that he somehow managed to play quarterback and not be, as my friend Dave Zee would say, "a Sally." He ran for touchdowns, lead blocked, won games, and also managed to drop-kick for a field goal (the first drop kick in the NFL in 64 years). Doug Flutie, this cracker's for you! To read more about the great Doug Flutie, click here.
  4. Chris Carter. Chris Carter is an honorary White person. The poor guy had to play alongside that tool Randy Moss for years. Even though he was slow and short, Chris Carter ran the best passing routes ever, and you could always count on him to get open. Chris Carter is an inspiration.
  5. Ryan Smyth. You might think it a paradox to have a White superstar in hockey (where pretty much everyone is white). But this is not so. There are still underrated players who need to be recognized for their Whiteness. Ryan Smyth was a gritty power forward for the Edmonton Oilers for his entire career until he was traded. He could score goals, but more often than not he preferred to drag over two defenders so that one of his teammates could get open and score. Apparently his worth was catastrophically underestimated, because after he was traded the Oilers only won 2 of their remaining 19 games that season.
  6. Ron Francis. This great White guy had to play in the shadow of Mario Lemieux and Jaromir Jagr for years. Nobody cared about him, but when he was injured the Penguins lost a truck load of games. Furthermore, Francis was a great defensive minded forward (a true White person characteristic).
  7. Larry Bird. It's tough to call Larry Bird underrated, but he was definitely slow and ugly. That Bird was one of the greatest passers in the game is not surprising given his Whiteness. Watch this video here to see what all the Great White Hype is about.
  8. Steve Nash. Sorry John Stockton, but I'm only picking two from each sport. Steve Nash has shown the World what White boys have known for decades: passing is cool. A woman once told me that Vin Diesel was sexy because he "chose" to be bald. Likewise, Steve Nash can dribble circles around anyone he wants and make a lay-up whenever he fancies (48 points in a play-off game!), but he chooses to pass, and that makes him cool (and a 2-time NBA MVP). To feel his White hot skills, click here.
There you have it, the first 8 inductees into DFM's White Athlete Hall of Fame. Now get out there and be White!

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